NEW GAME

Slide 2

Tag Archive | "relationship"

What are your ‘mirrors’ telling you?

There are 8 areas of our life each containing mirrors, reflecting back to us what we are and where we are. If we do not like the reflection there is no use adjusting the mirror! For with every adjusted mirror, still, there you are. If you do not like the image that is re-presented then wisdom suggests you start with the projection (you). Adjusting things in you adjusts the image of you creating the change you want to see. Many times in life we want to change others; change our friends; change our relationships; and change something on the outside in order to bring us the fulfilment and satisfaction we desire to feel on the inside. We make changes on the outside which only seem to snap back in to its old form again after a short space of time. Wondering then why we can’t create the experience we want to live in. The only thing you can really change is you. Significant change requires work on the inside. To create transformation which is lasting change we need to develop new consciousness, new habits, new practices, and new language to create a world of difference to participate in. This awareness echoes the truth in the statement it’s not you it’s me. Let’s take responsibility for the changes we want to see in our lives and refuse to blame everyone and the world around us. The power lies within, not outside of us. And when we change our internal states we will most certainly change our external experiences.

Excerpt from book Can We Talk?

Posted in Mind CoachingComments (0)

What is your conflict management style?

Based on the work of Thomas and Kilmann (1974) who identified

five conflict management styles, studies show we each have a conflict

management style that we prefer to use while having a blend of all five. It is

the knowing of which one to operate in which that determines the outcome

of the conflict, whether constructive or destructive. This preferred conflict

management style is influenced by your personality, family background,

and personal development.

Your conflict management style is a combination of two variables namely:

  • The measure you fight for your needs being met
  • The measure you take into consideration to see other’s needs being met

Five combinations of these two variables determine five conflict management

styles.

Competitive Style

This style is all about winning and usually by any means necessary; there

is no regard for the relationship, and it’s all about achieving the goal and

getting the result they need. This can be seen as ‘put-downs’, criticisms,

browbeating, or violence. This style is best used,

  • When all options have been exhausted and there is no loss on your part.
  • When you have a time constraint and action is required immediately, which is in your sphere of control however unpopular the choice.
  • When after much analysis, if a decision is still to be made, may require assertive lead.

Accommodating Style

This style has more of an emphasis on preserving the relationship and not

wanting to rock the boat. In so much that their own needs are neglected,

you seek an agreement at any cost just to keep everybody happy or just to

have the situation go away. This style works best,

  • When you don’t have a vested interest into the direction of an outcome.
  • When the amount of bargaining power is small or winning seems an unrealistic projection.
  • When you want to maintain an environment of peace and harmony; you don’t want to rock the boat, so to speak.
  • When right and wrong are not an issue for you but rather the preserving of the relationship.

Avoiding Style

This style pretends that conflict doesn’t exist; there is low emphasis on

meeting their own goals or in preserving the relationship. Oftentimes they

hold the belief that things will work itself out if it’s left alone.

Times when this style is best used is,

  • When tensions are too high and a timeout is required in order to allow emotions to settle to enable rational thought processes.
  • When you undoubtedly know the unlikelihood of winning the conflict.
  • When you feel others can better handle the conflict than you are
  • able to.
  • When timing is wrong and to engage in a conflict situation while not being in the best frame of mind to recognise the issues involved.

Compromise Style

This style is about trying as best you can to meet halfway. The aim is to try

and give up something you want in a bid to gain something else that does not pose as much objection by the other party and vice versa. It is about

the willingness to share or give up positions held and still feels that all is

not lost.

Times when this style is best used is,

  • When you can settle for a temporary solution.
  • When you want to reach an agreement when factors such as time are against you.
  • When using the collaborative approach and there being no resolution  •at the end.
  • A compromise is best used when it saves a relationship rather than negotiating only to gain nothing at all.

Collaborative (Cooperative) Style

This style yields the greatest results and bears with it the greater benefits.

This style places a high value on both relationship preservation and personal

goals being met. The difference with this style is while it is time consuming

and requires much more skill, it seeks to understand the position of the

other party and offers suggestions in a cooperative way, in a full and open

communication.

This style is best used,

  • Wwhen you want to flush out deeper needs which go beyond the initial wants presented in the dispute or in the positions held
  • When you have an interdependent relationship
  • When there is surplus time to deal with the problem
  • When the issues at hand are equally important for both parties and individuals.
  • When there is a genuine willingness to invest resources in order to find a mutually agreeable outcome

By understanding your preferred conflict style and that of another, you are

better positioned to make strategic decisions when dealing with conflict

that will enhance the relationship and not break it down. When you do

not consider other styles and are locked into your own preferences, you risk

gridlock and polarisation between conflicting parties. This is because you

fail to adopt styles that work in favour of the combined goals in light of an

awareness of repeat patterns of conflicting interaction.

For more info see my book

Posted in Resolving ConflictComments (0)


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